


Child Abuser

by Crowoxy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Child Abuse, Empire Strikes Back, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-05
Updated: 2012-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-03 02:47:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowoxy/pseuds/Crowoxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke I am your father." Vader said dramatically. "I don't believe you." "Why?" "Because then you are a child abuser!" A parody of the unforgettable scene between Father and Son in Empire Strikes Back</p>
            </blockquote>





	Child Abuser

Luke crawled, somehow using only one hand, to the pole that stood isolated above a tunnel. He stared at the man, machine, man, no machine, fine, manchine known as the Dark Sith Lord of the Galaxy and Right Hand to The Emperor of the Empire Darth Vader. Once again, somehow managing to stand and move around the pole with one hand, Luke tried to get as far away from the manchine black caped dude as far as possible. He could star throwing things at him again and Luke figured that he had enough of bruises, thank you very much. Those pipes had hurt!

"Luke, you do not know the power of the dark side."

"What?" Luke was not going to deny it, but neither would he admit it out loud, Vader confused him. First he tried to kill him, destroy him, whatever, and now he was trying to bargain?

"Join me, and together we can overturn the old gee- I mean Emperor." Vader continued, oblivious to his audience of one's confusion.

"Wait, why would I join you? And did you almost insult your so very esteemed boss, the Emperor?" Luke asked, desperately holding onto the pole and trying not to fall. Maybe crawling on the pipe was not such a smart idea after all.

"Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?" Luke blinked as he tried to comprehend his enemy's apparent lack of speech planning.

"Um, you do realize that I never knew my father? And that your statement was completely random? I mean, you go from try to kill and bruise heavily to convert, to story time! What's wrong with you?" Now it was Vader's turn to be confused, although no one else would be able to tell thanks to his mask.

"Wait, didn't Obi-Wan tell you that your father is dead and that I killed him?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, it's a lie. Obi-Wan never told you the truth about what happened to your father." Vader declared.

"Wouldn't be the first time he lied." Luke muttered, not at all surprised.

"You're telling me." Vader grumbled. Luke cleared his throat.

"Yes, Luke?"

"Just a question, but how are you related to Obi-Wan? He never explained that. All he said was that you and Anakin Skywalker both used to be good Jedi, who drove like maniacs, enjoyed annoying people and were both semi-good, only sometimes, never when drunk, friends Actually, the way he said it made it sound like one person with two names."

Vader stood on the bridge in not so apparent shock.  _How could Obi-Wan say that about him? Sure they had their problems in the past, but, that bastard! How dare he?_

"I WAS-AM NOT A MANIAC DRIVING JEDI!" Vader hollered. Luke tried to cover his ears, only to remember that he had only one hand and was currently trying not to fall.

"Anyways, back on topic." Vader said, sounding as if he had not just screamed his lungs out in anger at someone who was dead. Luke stared at him.

"Are you bipolar or something?"

"Of course, most Sith Lords are." Vader crossed his arms over his chest. "Just look at the Emperor. He laughs hysterically and then shoots lightening at random people because he gets angry."

"You both need medication and maybe a shrink." Luke muttered.

"Tried that. Medication didn't work and the shrink died by unusual circumstances after the first session."

"You killed the shrink who was supposed to try to cure your insanity issues?"

"I'm not allowed to say that. It was by unusual circumstances. Anyways, Luke, I am your father." Vader declared dramatically. Luke looked flabbergasted.

"No. That can't be true. That's impossible." Luke said in a monotone voice.

"You sound as if you already knew about it."

"No, I just don't believe you." Luke retorted.

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."

"…How the hell do I search my feelings for it to be true?"

"Something about familiarity or some shit like that."

"Oh, well then. NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"So you finally believe it?"

"Sure, because now I can take you to court for being a child abuser!"

"You are over eighteen. You can't bring me to court, which is controlled by my boss by the way, for child abuse when you're not a child." Vader pointed out.

"Damn it."

"But you still abuse your child then!"

"How do you figure that?"

"You fucking levitated pipes and threw them at me, cut off my hand, and now you reveal our relationship after all of that expecting me to come live with you! That is definitely physical and psychological abuse."

"Meh, whatever." Vader mentally dismissed the topic.

"So will you join me?"

"Talk about a one-track mind." Luke grumbled. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm stuck on a pole with one hand. Maybe if you help me off, without injuring me any further, I'll possibly consider your request."

"Fine. Crawl around to the front of the pole. You made it there, so you can make it back." Vader smugly said.

"Can't you just levitate me over to the bridge?" Luke shouted.

"No. Maybe now you'll think before crawling somewhere you shouldn't."

"I hate you so much, right now." Luke muttered as he tried to navigate his way back around the pole. It was so much easier when he was filled with adrenaline!

"Almost there- Shit!" Luke's only hand slipped, making him loose his balance and causing him to fall off the pole into who knows where.

"Damnit all to hell!" Luke cried as he fell.

"Language!" Vader shouted down at the falling figure that was his son. For some reason, it didn't occur to him to stop his son with the force and levitate him back up to him.

"Shut up, you fuc-!" Luke's voice faded as the darkness swallowed him up.

"You are so grounded next time I see you." Vader grumbled to himself, pulling out a post-it from a pocket and writing down something before he walked back to his ship.

"Commander! Locate the ship, the Millennium Falcon and capture it, without destroying it!" Vader somehow managed to walk back to his ship in record time, a span of ten seconds, without running, and stalked on board the Imperial Cruiser.

~With Luke~

"AHHHHHHH!" The one handed man screamed as he fell down the tunnel and was then pulled into a side tunnel.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" He moaned as his bruised arm his the metal in effort to slow him down. Luke sighed as he finally stopped his extremely painful journey down. Suddenly, the ground beneath him opened up.

"Damnit all to hell again."

"Luke fell (again) and landed on a weather vain and managed an amazing acrobatic skill to wrap his legs around the skinny pole to prevent him falling into the clouds of Cloud City.

"I'm so going to sue someone." Not bothering to try to climb the pole (one-handed pull-ups are not fun) Luke just sat on the pole, upside down, trying yet again not to fall off.

"Today sucks. I should have listened to Yoda, and let my friends be captured if I knew this was going to happen." Luke sighed in despair.

"Somebody better try to help me, or I swear to God I will be haunting everyone I know for eternity!"

Suddenly, the Millennium Falcon pulled up beside him and Luke dropped into the shaft. Being helped by someone he didn't know, some black dude with a mustache, Luke opted to stare at the stranger to creep him out. And it was working.

"Um, Leia! Is this the dude you were looking for?" the man we know as Lando called into the interior of the ship.

"How the hell should I know? Does he have sandy blond hair, blue eyes, and is randomly staring at you?" the female voice of the ex-Alderran princess yelled back.

"Yes, yes, and I think he is glaring not staring. It's creepy, make him stop, Leia!" Lando shrieked as he pushed Luke into Leia's arms.

"Hey, Watch it! I'm injured here!" Luke shouted. Forfeiting the staring contest with Lando, Luke went with Leia into the medbay and laid down on one of the open beds and tried to fall asleep.

_Luke._  A voice whispered in his mind.

"Child-abusing father?" Luke whispered back, wondering if he was going crazy.

_I resent that. Come join me._

"You're not going to abuse me anymore are you? You know, throw pipes at me, randomly cut off needed limbs, that sort of thing?" Luke asked dryly.

_Uh, no? Why would I ever want to do that now? However, you will be locked in a room for several hours or days if I confuse the two up for your bad language._

"Wait, you mean you are going to ground me? Hell with that!"

_Yes, you will be grounded. What kind of parent would I be if I didn't ground you?_

"You already abuse me, I think that's enough."

_One time, Luke. That was only once._

"Yeah, and that was technically only the second time I have ever seen you."

_Conversation is over. I'll be boarding your ship in ten seconds._

"Oh would you look at that! We're going into hyperspace! Now you can't ground me, what a shame. I was so looking forward to it. Well, bye!" Luke lied.

_I was just informed that the hyperspace switch was turned off._

"Really? That's it?"

_Yes, I believe so._

"Leia! Turn the hyperspace switch on! It's off!" Luke called, eager once again to get away from Darth Vader. What kind of kid would he be if he didn't rebel?

"How do you know?" Leia asked suspicious. Luke had been muttering to himself for the past five minutes and she was worried about his remaining sanity.

"Magic?" Luke grinned at Leia. She stared at him.

"I will find out, one way or the other." She vowed, before going to order R2D2 to fix the switch.

~With Vader~

"Prepare to board the ship." Vader ordered. The storm troopers were prepared, weapons set on stun, and everything.

"3-2-1 and damnit!" Vader swore. "Who's great idea was it to just turn off the hyperswitch instead of destroying it?"

"It was a golden protocol droid, sir. It said that it knew you and that is what you said to do." One brave storm trooper called from the middle of the crowd. Darth Vader didn't know who exactly said it, so he killed a random person in the middle of the crowd. Or maybe it was five?

"God damnit. The stupid droid is always causing me problems."

Quickly stomping back to his private quarters, Vader once again contacted Luke.

_Luke, you are majorly grounded when I see you again._

Vader felt Luke shudder through the force, no doubt fearing what grounding actually meant to the Dark Jedi.

_I'll be gone for a while. Say for like a few years maybe more, so yeah, bye!_  Luke quickly cut the connection not wanting to stay and find out what his father would say to him essentially running away from him. Eh, they could keep in touch with Facebook, if Vader even had a Facebook, that is. Whatever, Luke would just avoid meeting with him for as long as possible; hopefully he would die soon. Vader was old, right? It was a possibility. Either way, Vader would probably forget about grounding him after a few months or so. He was the all mighty Child Abusing Dark Sith Lord of the Galaxy and Right Hand Man to the Emperor of the Oh So Great Empire after all. He had to be extremely busy, so busy that he would forget all about grounding Luke. Yeah, that was a great plan.

Now Luke had to find a new pair of clothes.

And a new hand.


End file.
